rockstar ronan who is mr sparkly eyes

I dont even know what I said but Im sure I was on one of my usual rants about F U Cancer to him. Swallow pill. I need to get in some hours working on this book. I miss my workouts. Such a little skeptic he is. Im used to being the energizer bunny. How could my totally healthy, beautiful baby boy be so healthy, and then have fucking stage 4 cancer just like that? Bye Bye Little Sad House! I knew but I also knew from day one, that I couldnt do that. That phone call that I know he did not want to make, for fear of ruining our trip. That phone call that left my head spinning, tears falling, sheer panic, and of course where my mind goes to the absolute worst place. Dr. Beauty. Ireland! I almost fell over. I got home. Ihave been doingnothing but spending my days with her, being quiet and still. I hate you. There is a missing layer to all of this and it is only something that Dr. Badass JoRo can deliver. Ronan, do you want to know the one question I get asked, all the time? Shot after shot after shot. I cannot believe that this is my life. I know this but sometimes I like to close my eyes and just pretend. I miss my mom and your Papa Jim so very much. Our girl name was picked out even before Liam and Quinn were born. As long as you are the reason I am going, to keep things moving forward with your foundation, your memory, and your spirit I know great things will come from this trip. Charisma. I may have lost it last week which left me doing my normal screams and crying to your Mr. Sparkly Eyes. Especially during the holidays. I cant even begin to think about a nursery. It meant that kids are dying, dying, dying and nobody is paying attention. She needs a break and this trip is just what the doctor ordered. They fill me with things like a fire and a drive that I never knew I had. I can do a city, all alone, and badass, any other month, but not this month. They deserve more compassionate treatments. I will never stop apologizing for this. Nothing out of the ordinary happened, but before I knew it, I was sobbing so hard it was all I could do to make it to my car before my tears formed puddles at my feet and I just slowly drowned. I let myself get lost in my baking. I cannot keep up with everything that is going on and life seems to running at an outrageous speed. I know you are doing these things for the RIGHT reasons and nothing more than that. It is the pieces of pretend that give me a break from our reality. I could not believe my ears. Youre doing too much.. Quinn was over the moon. I miss being on the go 24/7. Yes, it is wrong. I beg over and over in my head. I am going to need some time with her. Because if I dont have things to do, I just wont do anything at all and that is not a good place for me to be. I would have loved every second of cleaning you off. Today, while I sat in the room full of absolute brilliance everywhere, I noticed there were 2 things missing. They stuck by me during my darkest of days. You are right. I took everything she said to heart and appreciated her willingnessto be so open and honest with me. To me, this is a private time for our family. Our house still to me feels so empty and sad, without you here. Dr. Sholler gets in Friday night to me my surrogate runner and I am so excited to see her and have her here. I took a minute to get myself under control and just told him, I miss him for you too. That was all. Im soaking that up, because it doesnt happen often. I do think this is true. I dont do well with things that slow me down. Thats what landed me in bed and somehow sucked me into the land of reality television which is so far from reality that it makes me want to barf. Ronan. Posted on December 1, 2021 Categories Uncategorized Tags All good things are wild and free, bereaved parents, Cancer, childhood cancer, Childhood Disease, doctors, Family, Grief, Health, honesty, maya thompson, Mr. Sparkly Eyes, Music, Neuroblastoma, raw, reality, Rockstar Ronan, Ronan, ronan thompson, sadness, strength, Taylor Swift, tears . I opened the card and it was from some girls that live in our neighborhood. The Kardashians?! Ronan. You are pure magic and are totally going to make the best fucking godmother ever. I know how much your heart is broken. Your brothers get the flu, awesome! I miss you so much. In a way that I havent been able to do since you died. After the Lacrosse game, we all went to lunch. Nothing is worth this pain. I took Becca and Stacy there today. I may have had a mini freak out last night in our hotel room. I know the tears that will fill my eyes that I will have to fight back. Not cancer) which you know I am always thankful for. It was official. THANK YOU. That will never go away. You have a baby on the way. I ran the lake as fast as I could with an injured knee from my previous running that I have been doing. Mostly my day was filled with my tears that seemed never-ending. I miss you. Homemade crust. Slow down. I'm trying to get there as fast as I can. Lying in bed for the past year, would not have made you proud. I asked him how I was ever supposed to face the world again as I never went anywhere without Ro, my little partner in crime. I find myself sitting and trying to process all of this on a deeper level but I mostly just sit in disbelief that this world hasto bewithout you. So much has happened and so much is going on that I dont even know what to address first. One that I so badly wanted her at and one that she so badly wanted to be at but did not think she could come for due to her crazy work schedule. Then perfect your baby has cancer Ronan. I knew where it was, but I had not touched it since you wore it on our last Halloween together. I still feel like I have post traumatic stress syndrome over the things we went through. I promise to make you proud. Ill never forget all the pokies, we had to give you after your rounds of chemo. I am blaming it on my old age;) 34 feels a lot different from being pregnant at 25 and 29. That I am sure of. Again, but not always. I always skip over it if it comes on my playlist. Your daddy went out last night. I promise I wont give up until our RoLove, changes the world. Then, the very itty bitty baby contractions started. This is what I am here to do, Ronan. Up, showered, packed, Starbucks, hit the road, lets get outta this big city. Am I pushing things a bit? Me: Ill bet nothing bad ever happens here., Your daddy: That is not true. Fernanda came by the clinic and dropped me off a coffee (which I proceeded to knock over and spill) She called that, good luck. Having your Poppy sister has saved me. Its been much too long. But if I would have said something, it would have been something like this: Im not a doctor. She is a hard core vegetarian and has been so for over 20 years. There is not a part of me that is doing any of this for myself because I dont live for myself anymore.This life I live now is not about me anymore. I know they are not the most compelling words, but today they were the only thing I could muster up in my over active imagination to say. But it still feels a little like a betrayal to you. How do I even put into words, who he is? I love you. Everything was so simple and so easy. One I would have never went down before if you had never died. The bloody hell worst day of my life. The picture came on the screen. Please make her extra extra spicy. Woody called me from the plane and told me what had happened. I huffed and puffed. You are alone. We are almost totally off caffeine) It is the most beautiful building and it even has a basketball court which your brothers are so excited for! This is the end of your story for tonight, baby doll . What is today? It destroys me everyday that we now have to physically be apart and I cant take care of you, look after you, or keep you safe. I know you will be a part of her, Ronan, but not in the way I want or you want. I had a little secret very important meeting today. I end up with a black mascara filled face and usually huddled up on the floor somewhere. You have to be mentally and physically exhausted, sweetheart. Can we talk about when you can induce me. Its much too early for those. I am thankful for the friends that are like family who will help us get through the day. The day you left me is almost here. I would rather not put something into my body if I dont have to. They are so not cool with it. I had to tell him I was pregnant with this baby, over the phone. She sent me a picture of it today. The only ones I feel comfortable taking. You have nothing to be sorry for.. I have lots to do today. Next month. The devil was kind of fun to dance with. I have tried to get it about 3 times, but all I can do is sit in the parking lot and cry. Of course I can. May 9th. I did my best to soak up everything that was being said. I feel that way about everyone who hears about you. A mother doesnt survive something like this. I am so sorry that you had to be taken away. 34 and being pregnant can suck it. Shes very eager which I like. How some people try so hard to become a writer and they just dont have the natural ability that I have. I love you, my little seal. I know myself well enough to know when I am not capable of handling things on my own. Kass. Ive been having flashbacks of the end of your days, off and on today. if everybody came back in the room with me. Thanks for writing them. You look pretty today. Sweet dreams, little one. I told you that. He was so tiny and frail. It was no use. Especially not in this day and age when kids die from cancer, due to lack of funding alone. Now I feel like I am in prison. To me, the littlest things can sometimes seem like the most difficult. Im tired tonight, Ronan. He laughed at that. Im mentally tapped out. Ronan. Your daddy knows Ive been having the worst time sleeping. I will take this Macegiving to count the things that I am thankful for, on one hand. I choose to live in it. Yelling, Quinny! How About No Expectations Because Nobody Knows.. The sweet lady told me it was. Its fucking depressing, to say the least. Ill bet if we would have lived here, Ronan would not have gotten cancer and died. I miss you. I spent the rest of the morning calling and texting our closest peeps. I imagined myself, slapping your picture up on the screen. Yes. I have a ton more to write about, but I have to get ready for this little Skype interview set up that I am doing. Gnite, babydoll. Star became known to a wider audience as contestant on the CBS reality TV show Rock Star: Supernova in 2006. That is so important to me. She talked about my natural talent as I writer. They make me want to take on the world because I know I can change this. I have a few more weeks before I will find out. Im a mom whose heart is broken into a million pieces because this little boy, was mine. Avoiding my reality once in a while helps me get through the days that I just cant take living this life without you anymore. So loudly I was sure that everyone in the room was going to hear it. Do I need to get on a plane to come home? I am doing all I can on this end, to help spread the awareness. Ive been writing about your treatment, which has been hard. Your brothers sat playing on their iPads and I was on the table, getting my little belly lubed up. Ive got to go now, Ro. I have the best doctor I know in Omaha at the ER waiting for you. I miss you so much. Ive been telling myself all day things like your death, isnt really real. "My darling. I am truly thankful for all of you. To feel everything I know I am going to be feeling. I think Lacrosse is a good start. Of course I am happy to see them but its you I want to see the most and you are never there, waiting for me with the 3 of them like you should be. I hope you are safe. I talked to you in my head the way I always do when I need you to work your little Ronan magic. I sat back with our friends and watched the way the 4 of our boys became fast friends, laughing and giggling together. She once again, told me she couldnt make me, but she felt very strongly about it due to how much Im in the public and traveling. I cannot believe a mannequin is wearing my dead childs costume. Ive been really busy. I woke up this morning, all bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. I remember the way you looked at me through the dinner and waved and laughed. Thanks for learning this lesson and letting it make you a better person. #cryingallday. Liz. It shouldnt be, because of this beyond fucked up fuckery that she is surviving. I just miss Ronan so much, all the time, thats all. He knows that. She has given me such a gift already and she is only a week old. I stood that way for a minute, while the tears fell down my face. Not sleeping well. It is her birthday today. Your daddy hung a big beautiful picture of you over your bed last night. I dont think Ive ever seen a raccoon in Arizona before. This staying in bed and waiting to die, because Im pregnant and tired, is bullshit. Rach. Shes had it for a while. Meg. I miss you. What I wouldnt give to have my old life back. Its a baby girl. I watched his eyes light up in a way that his often do, when he is truly happy. They cant. She is a great doctor. I am still pretty sick. You two are going to be something else. I laughed and talked about you a little bit. So sweet. We went to dinner. This one has been in the works for a while but it is nothing I have been pursuing seriously. The exact same things feel so wrong and are so hard for me. I am trying my best. I just feel like a mama who will do whatever it takes to continue fighting on for her child. I never thought I would have a girl, but have always felt like I was meant to have one. Let the strategizing, begin. I wish so badly that I could make this a reality, because I dont know what else to do. A heavy wave of sadness washed over me. Lay down again. Staying in bed, in NOT good for my mental well being. Nothing will. There is no better place, then here with me. I should know more, soon. I would have chased you like the wind today. Quinn looked at me and said, Why do you want to name her Poppy? Sunday I think. I don't have any idea who that is." I looked up at Mr. Sparkly Eyes, and yes, his eyes still sparkle. Ive noticed my heart racing a lot like I am having panic attacks again. I know what part of our connection is. I could describe him in a thousand different ways. Where are you? He responded with In a meeting. Im really sick and alone and nobody wants to take care of me., Mr. Sparkly Eyes: You are not alone. I told him they were my favorite boots ever. Basketball, Baseball, and Flag Football. Mostly it is still so painful that I find myself trying to block out the memories of that horrific time from flooding my mind. I hope you are safe. Plain and simple. He was mine, how can that be? It was good to see them. That oh so fun place only moms get to go that have had a child who has died. It was Dr. Schwartz telling me that she just got the flu shot in and she was highly recommending that I get one. For that, Im sorry. I hope you are safe. How are you always right? Everything looks perfect, just the way things looked with you, too. I let it continue to play. I was laying in bed. I am a good mother. Happily. Tell me your dream for all of this. So I blabbed all about our Neuroblastoma Research and Care Center. Certainly not this nowhere that is here now. I picked up Starbucks. I didnt see him walk up, I only heard him barking some smart ass remark to me, like he always does. As I was walking off your Mr. Sparkly Eyes said, Hey, please just give me a smile. I promise to be the best mama to her. I dont need to believe in a fucking GOD for this to happen so people need to stop saying that. I had all I could take. Its the Who is Mr. Sparkly Eyes. A lot of you, ask that in my comments. What a day. We sat and caught up. The screaming wont stop now. That you had to be robbed of our beautiful time together. Sweet dreams, baby doll. Quinn came in just a few minutes after him. Any of it. I cant wait to see you at the finish line! We WILL get to the White House to make them fight harder for our kids who are dealing with cancer. Im not doing this to be hurtful or mean. She helped me get through the day. Its the walking out with it that I just cannot bring myself to do. Which is why I may have such a big problem with being out in the real world now. "Ronan" was released on September 8, 2012, as a charity song by Taylor Swift. I went and got it. I love that man and the concert was unreal. I WILL DO ANYTHING. I love you, Ro. Today you will be slapped in the face with the reminder that everything is AWESOME in AZ because it is a perfectly sunny happy fucking day. I love our little unconventional board. Its starting to annoy me. on Its 3:25 a.m.? We have so much going on which we are all so thankful for. So much so that I am wondering if Ill become a vegetarian after this. Maya! Like you are missing and not actually dead. Its comforting to your daddy and brothers so this is why I stay here. Throwing you into a warm bath where I would make sure you felt safe, clean, loved and warm. Throw up. Pearl Jam ended the concert with Keep On Rocking In The Free World, and of course I sang along as loudly as I could while I thought of you the entire time. My face seems to be constantly wet these days. I know he will keep her safe. He knows that Ive been staying up late, working on this book and I listened to him as he said with urgency in his voice, that I need to get this done so I can Fuck Cancer. I know what the urgency meant. A dozen times. I am sick and tired of this blinding sun. He has saved my life and for that, I have you to thank. You deserved better, Ronan and I will forever be so sorry that after everything that we tried and did for you that it death was still the final outcome. I saw my OBGYN as well. Maybe Ill take in on in my free time. I finally got your daddy on the phone. After about the second day of being extremely sick, I started to come about and realized my surroundings again. I think this is all for tonight, Ronan. No. You should have been causing trouble somewhere like I know you would be doing, if you were here. We very much needed a pow wow session. I dont know what in the world happened, but I spent most of the day wiping tears away from my eyes. I dont blame them. These are kids. Are people really not aware or are we just plain being ignored? Only to wake up around midnight to toss and turn for the rest of the night. I was in the middle of sending an email when he came down to get me. I hope you are safe. Something unlike anything that has ever been done before. Im not even a nurse. I am so glad I finally got to meet her. That about broke my heart right then and there. But the most important thing is he is someone who loved you so much, Ronan. Thank you.. But he was stolen from me by childhood cancer. We left our friends and headed off to our new destination. A little seal with the biggest eyes. I looked for me 3 boys in my bed, but I only saw two. She will be a part of you and I cannot wait to meet her. Ron Starr. Your sweet little face. I find myself obsessing about you and why you are not here. You know you have my utmost respect, always. Dont get me wrong, I am grateful for the opportunity, but its still very difficult. I know tomake a statementlike that is a bold thing to say, but I can say without a doubt, she has saved my life. I wander in it during the day, looking at the last drawing you did on your easel with a permanent marker on the chalkboard when I told you to use chalk so you wouldnt ruin it. Liam of course tried to tell me it was just another cat. I leave soon. I have a lot of dreams. I gave in after trying everything to go to sleep last night, and popped my old friend, Ambien. I am such a true believer in this, especially in the world I live in now. Ive noticed myself starting to have a really hard lately. I let the tears come, too. I would rather jump out of an airplane, 10 times then have to walk out of PCH with your Captain Rex costume that you will never wear again. Maybe, but its the only way I feel like I can survive. I know how stubborn you are and I know how you wont let ANYONE take care of you., me: I hate that you know me so well. I met a friend this morning for coffee. I couldnt take it. Woody called me from the plane and told me what had happened. I just want you back. I love you. I will never stop fighting for all that was taken away from you. Me: Do you think Ill ever stop being so sad?, Him: Darling. There was one person I had not told yet. I was walking back to my car and I just fucking lost it. Most of our weekends are low key. I listened to him like I always do. Anybody that says otherwise, can fuck off. Alone. Ive am living in a war zone every single day. I found myself, on my phone, looking at pictures of you. I was so glad I didnt have to sit there alone. I am a natural born mother. How dull and empty I know this world is without you presence. So we talked a lot about your foundation and a few other top-secret things I have in the works. You are making so many amazing things happen. The world of childhood cancer deserves so much more. She told me she was sorry about you. Thank RO for that daddy of yours. You only left me with the best and for that, I will always be thankful. I trust in you. I gave into it. Ill just stick with pie for now. Can I just say today, I am so glad I had your Fairy RoMo there with me not only as my dear friend, but as a witness to the amazingness that occurred. Finally, someone you can do all those girly things with that you love doing. Your room no longer seems so sad, empty and cold. I told him about the story that somebody told me about the Poppy flower. I miss you. I dont miss you less. My nights have been spent writing and working on this book. It scares the shit out of me and I know what its like to lose you to cancer. On to the next. It wont be the real name for the baby. Your Mr. Sparkly Eyes, and Poppys Godfather, said to me a while ago, You know its going to be a circus. I just told him in no way shape or form did I want that. NYC with our Fairy RoMo is my paradise. Why is the house so quiet? This totally brings tears to my eyes because I know he did this for you, and how proud you are of him. I can do this. A small part of me thinks that if we had indeed lived in this small little sleepy town, that you would still be here. Goodnight baby doll. I thank you for him, every single day. I can feel it. God Bless your beautiful family! I love you. If that wasnt enough to make me cry, the next thing was. I should to have been the one watching you die at only almost 4 years old. that my New York Miss Macy made me. I was aching to see your little face so badly that I wanted to throw up. If it was not, things like this would not just continue to happen over and over again. Sheets drenched. We sat and caught up. Ronan is not going to let anything happen to you. That phone call that has had me down on my knees every day and night, begging and screaming to you to please DO NOT LET THIS BE STAGE IV FUCKING BULLSHIT CANCER AGAIN. I will get through it the best I can, just like I did last year. Just as I was saying to her, How am I going to survive these next two months? A text popped up on my phone. It actually makes me laugh. Cancer can strike at any time and the fact that options for all these kids is so limited, is beyond bullshit. It was actually all I could do, not to run up to the podium and hijack the speakers talk. He told me to please go and get it done. All of this is way much for one person to handle. I told him I would, but only because he told me to do so. Its Humanity. Fernanda. We are home now. I had my iTunes on. Thinking all about Ronan in New York, not that youre not always thinking about him but I know everything in New York was very intense for you. on Nothing like some hometown love to kick cancersass. As frustrated and sad as I am, this just motivates me more to continue this fight. Posted on July 28, 2011 July 28, 2011 Categories Uncategorized Tags angels, arizona, Cancer, childhood cancer, Childhood Disease, Family, god, Lazer Tag, Mr. Sparkly Eyes, Neuroblastoma, Phoenix, Rockstar Ronan, sloan kettering, The Ronan Thompson Foundation, true love 11 Comments on Moneyball, Liz. This makes me mad and sad and I want to scream from the rooftops how unfair this all is because I know you would have grown up to do such amazing things in this world. I used to be able to go days without crying. Twenty freaking one. I was always so thankful for what we had. All I know is this is the way it is. Forever friends because of the unthinkable bond that we share. I knew that planning this trip. the ideas would not stop flowing. I love you. Obviously someone who never lost a child. Im doing this for Ronan and Teddy because that is all that matters. Cancer was everywhere in your body, but you didnt act like it. Welcome to our new home! Our weekly little catch up that means everything to me. They urged me to go. I remember the 6 month mark being a really hard time for me. Fucking cancer. I wish I could tell you it tasted as amazing as I remembered it with you, but of course it didnt. How could anyone look at your face, and not be broken-hearted? I think I am starting to feel a little better and pie is still my best friend. I ended the day with Stacy at Fernandas house. I hope you are safe. This will be your legacy, Ronan. But truthfully, this slow paced living is pissing me off. Not the day you flew away to the heavens above, not the day you went to be with Jesus, not the day you went to a better place where you are an angel now, not the day that you became free, not the day that you went home. I am not about to soften this blow with any of that bullshit. Thanks for not listening, or caring in my opinion. We left our lunch feeling as if we had just come off of another planet, but were both so thankful for the adventure. I am dreaming of a womans Lacrosse team as we speak. Your daddy and brothers will be waiting for me so excited at the airport. I think you would have liked the name. The combination of your beauty and my sadness is more than enough, baby doll. Rise and ShineInsomnia! As in, this is exactly what they would be doing if you were here but you are not here, so how are we doing the exact same things? I love reading all of your comments. An ear infection, counting my blessings! I miss you. She is surviving all while making this world a better place. with you being somewhere else. This appointment just happened to fall on her birthday! I hope you know I am thankful for you taking the time to learn about Ronan and for every single penny that comes our way. Lights out for the next 7 hours. Fuck. She could not believe it. I wake up to the fucking sunlight obnoxiously screaming in my face. I cannot wait for next year and I am so proud to call this place, home. Tell me about your trip. I wiped away my tears and appreciated the way he tried to change the subject. This is all for tonight, little man. About you and all of these other kids who are dying left and right from childhood cancer.I am so thankful for the people who are now paying attention and fighting the good fight, but I just dont understand whythe wholeworld isnt in an uproar over this. I tried to get to sleep at a decent hour last night but my achy body and the thoughts of you, were consuming me. This is what you were meant to do and will do for the rest of your life. Coming from her, I was beyond flattered. I went to see my OBGYN a couple of days ago, just for my 4 week standard check-up. I let his words soak in and lick my wounds for a while. I hope you are safe. I dont understand how even watching your daddy and brothers, watch football is normal now. Because you know the world I live in now, and you know I am scared shes going to die if you let me go to my due date. Call me. I told her about the gift I needed to find. I left the mall, upset and sent my little Mandy Bee a message. I begged and pleaded with you once again in the parking garage. You know how I hate our little frienemy. Hearing those words from her meant a lot to me. This led to me sending him an email back saying in no way, shape or form, was I too harsh. From somebody named Tree. Your costume. Why are you not at your F U Cancer Starbucks office today?, me: Im sick. I love that. I love you so much. I wonder if that was a sign of whats to come. That phone call that left me with my head going to the worst possible places and telling myself I wouldnt survive this big of a loss, once again. I was in a world that I normally dont live in anymore. I came home and fell into a deep sleep. A life full of moments is what I am left with, Ronan. Even on my darkest of days, when nobody knew what to do with me, they stood by me. A lot of my blog readers have been posting that you said you wanted a baby sister. "My darling, call the number back." This came from the man who answers every phone call from every unknown number that rings him up . Our sad little house that leaves makes my skin crawl during the day because I miss you so much. Ronan. Bring on the pies now.
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